I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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