Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Randomize
