I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
