The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
