I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize