i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Randomize
