I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
