Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Randomize