I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
