I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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