maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
