you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
