woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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