do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
