Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
