it was like his penis was on wheels.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
