He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
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