I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
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