made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
God I need to hump something, right now.
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