my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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