then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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