Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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