I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
