You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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