Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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