I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
