Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Small penises have feelings too.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I touched a dick in church today
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
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