I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
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