I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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