Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
