he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I need to calm my uterus...
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Randomize
