what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Randomize
