with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Randomize
