i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
