i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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