You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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