What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
