why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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