I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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