The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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