I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
