Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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