I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
We have started to decorate penises.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
