I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
