Four minutes until I can fart!
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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