I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
you will always have a special place in my vag
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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