Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
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