the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
