apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
