I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
wakey wakey hands off snakey
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Randomize
