question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize