I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Randomize