So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
