Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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