I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Randomize
