and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize