who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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