Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
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