I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
