Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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