Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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