Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
