I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
