so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
