Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I got inside last night via doggy door
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize
